1. Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008, US)

This was a perfectly fine era of comedies, but it did not start the revolution we thought it would.

A Segel penis on every corner, we would say, Dracula muppets on every tv channel, between episodes of the Campbell Soup's Segal Penis Hour of course, we would all get to date Mila Kunis. Alas. Not in Musk's America.

Nice to get a glimpse into a lost world filled with Jason Segel's penis.

3.5/5 - Letterboxd

2. Palm Springs (2020, US)

If I had to be trapped in a time loop with someone, Cristin Milioti would not be the worst choice, neither would Andy Samberg, really.

Gotta love a good time loop movie. Is there even a bad time loop movie out there? I don't think so, my theory is that if you try to write a bad time loop movie a muse traps you in a time loop forcing you to keep rewriting the movie until it's perfect.

That's why there are never any sequels, well, except for Happy Death Day 2U, I guess that movie was just perfect in the first loop.

Anyway, I absolutely loved this movie.

5/5 - Letterboxd

3. Heretic (2024, US)

Aw shucks, sweet and family friendly on the surface/in the parlor, academic in the next room, dark hocus pocus and human sacrifice in the basement, and desire for control beneath it all.

But enough about filing an insurance claim, this movie is about religion.

We all know the one true religion, Chekhov's rusty nail board, now there's a prophecy.

4/5 - Letterboxd

4. The Monkey (2025, US)

This is just what children's toys used to be like, before everyone went all health and safety.

3/5 - Letterboxd

5. Fear Street: Prom Queen (2025, US)

Those have got to be some sharp axes. They slice through everything like a Katana.

I suppose I cared a bit about.. Megan? No, Melissa, the slightest bit of character development there was in the whole movie.

You're right, copper, this was worse than '78.

This is the most lesbian teasing I've ever seen in a movie, no, this is the most unfulfilled lesbian teasing I've ever seen in a movie.

2.5/5 - Letterboxd

6. The Drop (2014, US)

I'm still not sure what she wants from me, but this is the movie we watched together.

Anyway, yeah, I liked it, I don't know if there's a conclusion this movie has, but I'm a sucker for crime stuff.

Also Matthias Schoenaerts, Belgian actor, Michaël R. Roskam, Belgian director, this is probably why it ended up on the list and I'm sure they all enjoyed working with James Gandolfini and Tom Hardy as I enjoyed watching them.

3.5/5 - Letterboxd

7. The Third Man (1949, US)

Beautifully shot, but somehow scored by the people that did the Spongebob transition music.

Uses every trick in the book of the era, you could easily use it as a reference and rebuild the whole '40s movie making bag of tricks.

Atmospheric, bleak, gloomy, tense, and a wonderful twist, still part of me feels that it didn't amount to that much in the end.

4/5 - Letterboxd

8. Thursday Murder Club (2025, UK)

The cast carries this movie, but there's only so far you can carry a midrange episode of a midweek detective show on BBC 3.

Still, I do hope they continue on with this series, even if this one didn't really pack much of a punch.

2.5/5 - Letterboxd

9. The Man From Earth (2007, US)

Didn't really work for me. It all just felt too staged and unnatural.

The different characters being professors of various fields, and one young student, could've led to an interesting back and forth each with their own perspective, but I felt like their characters never amounted to much or felt in any way real.

The flow of the conversation is firmly in one forward direction, it's just a single individual's take and not a very remarkable one.

This might work better written out than as a movie; you wouldn't have the intrusive smarmy soundtrack for one.

2.5/5 - Letterboxd

10. Denial (2016, UK)

This review may contain spoilers.

And then they won and no one had to deal with this kind of nonsense again.

4/5 - Letterboxd

11. The General (1926, US)

An absolute masterpiece of cinema. Action, stuntwork, physical comedy, montage, all of it on point.

The plot is largely there to allow for two excelent extended train chase scenes, something modern movies are really missing out on, some set pieces and Buster Keaton having to go down enemy* lines to, literally, bag a baddie.

Few action movies ever reached the highs set by this movie.

*It should be noted all of the main characters here are on the side of the dunces-- I mean confederates and the movie is entirely uncritical of that. Not that it says anything about the conflict in particular, though.

4.5/5 - Letterboxd

12 Modern Times (1936, US)

The culmination of Chaplin's Tramp character. Dealing with labour, unemployment, poverty, prison, tragedy, and romance with all the humour and sentimentality that makes him unique amongst his slapstick contemporaries.

Give that poor women some shoes!

4/5 - Letterboxd

13 Nosferatu (1922, DE)

Nosferatu jogging around the city lugging a big coffin around in the middle of the day, his eyes frantically darting around, is one of the funniest things I've seen.

Nosferatu's shadow creeping up the wall as he's stalking towards Ellen's bedroom is one of the creepiest things I've seen.

3.5/5 - Letterboxd

14 The Last Laugh (1924, DE)

What a movie. A simple, but absolutely devastatingly tragic story.

And, yes, F.W. Murnau's camera work is great, mature beyond its years. Nothing to be improved on. The dream, and drunk haze, sequences are fantastic and the score is thrilling

The acting is a far cry from the naturalistic acting we'd go for today, but Emil Jannings absolutely embodies a man who has had his heart ripped out and completely lost his identity, purpose and dignity.

But, fuck those neighbours man.

I've never seen a movie so openly mock its own cop out ending. I fully expected it to cut to him alone and drunk in a corner somewhere.

I suppose only a ridiculous, idiotic fantasy could seem like a way out of the economic malaise of '20s Germany.

4.5/5 - Letterboxd

15 Wake Up Dead Man (2025, US)

This movie just started auto-playing on Netflix, and I hadn't watched any of the others yet, so I decided to watch them in reverse order, I might as well.

I think this is my favourite of the three. Benoit Blanc is completely formed here, and he has a beard as he obviously should have.

What I missed most watching the later, I mean earlier, ones after this is that we start with following the likable protagonist here. I very much liked the priest character.

Meeting him first, then the unlikable suspects and then have Benoit Blanc come waltzing in is the right way to do it in my opinion.

As far as watching this one first, it's obviously no issue, these are all standalone, and you have the benefit of being introduced to Benoit Blanc at his most well formed.

4.5/5 - Letterboxd

16 Glass Onion (2022, US)

In my reverse order watching of these movies I watched this one second, but, you know, the other way around. Well, not in reverse, I just mean, you know what I mean.

Like everyone, it seems, I liked this one the least.

Among Us, Lockdown, it's surprising how quickly three years can feel dated if you lean into things to hard, but I mean the Covid thing didn't leave you many option, you would either strangely ignore it or doom yourself to being very obviously set at a very specific time.

I liked the first half quite a bit, but after the mid-point flashbacks it went downhill. I really like the previous, well next, one, but this should've taken itself more serious, or have been more genuine.

I will say, Dave Bautista's wig was a glorious thing to behold.

3.5/5 - Letterboxd

17 Knives Out (2019, US)

I ended up watching this last out of the three, and this really is an excellent series.

However seeing Benoit Blanc without a beard in this is all wrong. He clearly needs one, glad they figured that out in the later movies. It's like when you watch Prescription Murder and his coat is too neat and his hair is all proper.

"You are a pack of vultures at the feast: knives out, beaks bloody," he said it! He said the line!

This one definitely has the best twist, not just twist resolution, of all three of them, but I still think I like the latest one best.

I also think it learned all the wrong lessons of its own success for the second one.

But Benoit Blanc is a great character and I hope we get to see more of him.

4/5 - Letterboxd

18 The Holdovers (2023, US)

I liked it even better this time.

4.5/5 - Letterboxd

19 Cold Souls (2009, US)

This movie doesn't seem to be quite up to the task to answer the questions it asks itself, but it's still has its moments.

It's funnier than I thought it would be, it has less to say about what it would mean to have your soul extracted, but it's still sweet and human.

It has more to say about economics than about the soul.

Paul Giamatti is always a joy to watch, seeing act 'without a soul' was spot on and hilarious.

If you let it be what it is and don't fault it for not being what it isn't, you'll enjoy this.

3.5/5 - Letterboxd

20 Havoc (2025, US)

Could hardly distinguish the gunshots from all the fireworks that were going off while I watched this.

2.5/5 - Letterboxd

Top 3

• Palm Springs
• The General
• The Last Laugh

1. The Night House (2020, US)

The perfect movie for anyone who's ever wanted to be terrified by Rubin's Vase.

Fantastically executed visuals, tense throughout and the lead actress is so, so good.

I would've changed nothing. (That's a joke)

4/5 - Letterboxd

2. Beyond the Infinite Two Minutes (2020, JP)

I'm giving this an extra star for the technical achievement element of it all.

Apparently this was a one shot, didn't even notice, and from the behind-the-scenes montage at the end I noticed this movie was shot on a phone too. All that and keeping track of timey wimey logistics. Plus it managed to do show and tell at the same time with its establishing exposition.

The movie itself is great. Cute, sweet and short, a real joy to watch; go do so right now if you haven't yet.

Imagine inviting your friends over and they're there in two minutes. Forget the five minute city, this is a two minute city, they're living in the future over there in Japan, but only two minutes.

That is one long extension chord, though.

5/5 - Letterboxd

3. Boiling Point (2021, UK)

The second one-shot film in a row, but purely by accident.

Unwind after a long day with this tense and stressful masterpiece.

Enthralling from start to finish, a great atmosphere, characters you recognise, but who are still interesting enough. I was on the edge of my seat when he was taking those bins out.

That darn walnut oil, they were the only table I liked too.

Not sure about the ending, though.

4/5 - Letterboxd

4. The Wolf House (2018, CL)

Finishing off the impromptu one-shot trilogy with this movie was A Choice.

What a movie. Beautiful, and by beautiful I mean completely unsettling.

It does a good job as a cult's fictional lost propaganda/brainwashing fairy tale. There's something really wrong under the surface. Heck, there's something really wrong on the surface, it's even worse underneath.

If you know a bit about the backstory all the elements are obviously here the cultural images, the control, the fear, the isolation from the world, the constant air of abuse. It's still hard to really Understand, but it always would be, I suppose. You definitely feel it though.

4/5 - Letterboxd

5. Talk to Me (2022, AU)

Ghost chatroulette is a lot like regular chatroulette, the dicks have to ruin it for everyone.

It was totally the kangaroo, right?

4/5 - Letterboxd

6. Viva Riva (2010, CD)

All in all a fairly standard gangster film, but a well executed one. It does everything it needs to do. Don't expect anything you haven't seen elsewhere, but seeing it here, in this setting, alone makes it worth a watch in my opinion.

3.5/5 - Letterboxd

7. Encounters at the End of the World (2007, US)

A lone figure sits in a dark room only illuminated by the flickering images of snow and ice. What is there to found in a film about penguins? Why does he stare so intently at the white void on the screen like a lion staring at its prey. What nourishment can the screen bring for him?

Perhaps he is looking for an escape out of his existential abyss as he waddles through life without purpose or sense like a deranged penguin. Maybe their madness and despair is like a mirror to his own madness. Or perhaps the resilience of these poor penguins in the face of the harsh, unforgiving nature of the icy monolith in the sound reminds him of the resilience of his own human soul.

Sitting there transfixed by the haunting beauty of nature, at the same time majestic and fragile, and the strangeness of all human endeavour; what is this man to do? What is he to do in the face of the monstrous indifference of the universe? He can only continue to waddle towards the mountains in the distance, towards certain death.

4/5 - Letterboxd

8. Ressurection (2022, US)

I'm biased because I could just stare at Rebecca Hall's face for two hours and think it's a pretty good movie.

I'm happy they went all the way with this.

4/5 - Letterboxd

9. Trollhunter (2008, NO)

Faux found footage film featuring fearless filmmakers filming faraway fantasy fables. Fantastic fun.

3.5/5 - Letterboxd

10. The Holdovers (2023, US)

A real classic film, in every sense of the word.

A bit slow, yet I could've watched it for another two hours no problem. Three interesting characters realized by three great performances. That chase scene is better than any chase scene in any action movie ver. Also let's bring back snap zoom outs in a big way.

4/5 - Letterboxd

11. La Fille sur le Pont (1999, FR)

This review may contain spoilers.

It's a tale as old as time. Girl jumps off bridge, boy jumps after girl, boy throws knives at girl, boy and girl fall for each other, girl parts ways, girl stops boy from jumping off bridge.

3.5/5 - Letterboxd

12. Timecode (2000, US)

This is a bit of a tech demo of a movie and as a tech demo it works very well, but as a movie it's mostly just fine.

The movie consists of four continues shot films playing at same time in a split screen. Everything lines up perfectly and it uses audio very well to direct your attention. At no point does it ever feel disjointed or confusing.

The story on the other hand is just too basic and combined with the largely improvised dialogue it's just not that good.

A great technical achievement, but unfortunately none of the four screens ever had anything interesting to watch.

3/5 - Letterboxd

13. Dream Scenario (2023, US)

This review may contain spoilers.

To say this is about cancel culture is really underplaying the breadth of this movie. It's about the full journey of fame, really.

Starting from a boring, and a little sad, figure wanting some level of recognition only to have it arrive through something arbitrary and not really about him, leaning into, the shallow corporate exploitation, all the weird ways people act around it, the sudden turn, and, yes, cancel culture and finding himself in a ridiculous culture war, to the decline and the slow resignation to declined fame.

Nicolas Cage does a great job embodying this kind of guy. But this is why you never fart in front of anyone. Except in France.

4/5 - Letterboxd

14. Poor Things (2023, US)

Absolutely wild movie, unfortunately the title Wild Things was already taken.

Loved it. I don't even know where to start. I was worried it was going to be the kind of artsy thing that doesn't really pull me in at first, but this is amazing.

Loved the cinematography and set design and how they work together to create Lisbon and Paris. Love the hamming of Buffalo, and it occasionally slipping in a sweary moment, love the imaginative elements both boldly at the front and unremarked on in the background.

Let's dig up Marry Shelley, put her brain in a goat and have her watch this just to see what she'd think.

4.5/5 - Letterboxd

15. Weathering With You (2019, JP)

I've been not watching Your Name for a long time now and ended up watching this movie instead not knowing it was from the same director.

Beautiful movie in art, animation, story and characters. Any scene with these characters just hanging out together was a joy.

It was Bae or Bay all over again.

3.5/5 - Letterboxd

16. Sideways (2004, US)

So far all of Alexander Payne's movie seem to have a quality I can only describe as 'sweetly depressing,' that ultimately culminates in a 'wistfully uplifting' ending.

If you love your wacky road trip movies to be sad and off beat, check it out. Paul Giamatti plays bitter, lonely and stuck as good as ever.

Also young Sandra Oh sure was something else.

4/5 - Letterboxd

17. Attack the Block (2011, UK)

I think the aliens were just trying to get into Ron's weed room, actually.

3.5/5 - Letterboxd

18. Top Gun: Maverick (2022, US)

Many times during this film I felt I knew exactly what was going to happen next, every danger being resolved the way it appeared in my head as soon as it started, every scene unfolding as these scenes tend to do.

That's not necessarily bad, I wouldn't have written this movie any different, I think. No one would. It's as if there is some predestined Top Gun: Maverick script in heaven we have all always had in our hearts. This truly is the platonic ideal of a Top Gun sequel.

I don't think we ever learn who the enemy is, or why they are the enemy, and it's not clear to me if Jennifer Connelly's character is supposed to be the same character as in the first one? But such worldly matters aren't important to Top Gun Colon Maverick. This movie exists in a world where the original Top Gun is the only thing that has ever happened.

There are no politics, there is no history, there are no relationships that do not mirror the ones in the first one. The reality in this movie exists only to repeat or continue the one of the first one. Some movies are inspired by life, some by other fiction, Top Gun Colon Maverick is only inspired by Top Gun.

I don't think I've ever watched a movie where I've felt like the entire world outside of what we see is just an empty white void as much as this one.

2.5/5 - Letterboxd

Top 3

• Poor Things
• Beyond the Infinite Two Minutes
• Weathering With You

All of these reviews are crossposted on my letterboxd.

1. All My Friends Hate Me

This is Social Anxiety: the Horror Movie.

Is it actually a horror movie? Yes, but no. Is it a comedy? Yes, but no. Is it a character drama? Yes, but no.

Worth checking out. I didn't not like it.

3/5 - Letterboxd

2. The Menu

this review may contain spoilers

An excellent movie. Just a nice story about a girl going out for a cheeseburger and coming home satisfied.

I could try to talk about what the movie is trying to say about restaurant culture, about art, audiences, snobbery, class, and a whole load of other things. The problem is that I worry that if I do that it will take away from just how much fun this movie was.

This movie is neither a Sous Vide Espuma Deconstruction of a resurrected dodo nor a cheap fast food snack, it really is like eating a simple, but excellent, cheeseburger made by a master of the craft while watching an island of cultists burn.

As far as murder mystery dinners go this one is pretty easy to solve, though.

5/5 - Letterboxd

3. Freaky

The way videogames have Roguelikes, Soulslikes and Metroidvanias, there are a few styles of movies that go beyond genres and tropes and can be best described using *-like moniker.

The three main ones that jump to mind Scroogelikes, Groundhoglikes and Freakylikes. Movies that more than share a genre, but are almost ever changing fairy tale like retelling of Scrooge, Groundhog Day and Freaky Friday respectively.

Unsurprisingly Freaky is a Freakylike, well more of a Freakylite, really. It has the body swap aspects, but there's not as much learning to appreciate the other by living in their shoes.

I mainly watched this movie in the hopes of satiating my hunger for Happy Death Day 3U. I don't think it quite did that, but it worth it for watching Vince Vaughn as a teenage girl.

Give Vince Vaughn more teenage girl roles. But there's no need for a high concept explanation, just don't address it.

4/5 - Letterboxd

4. Another Round

This is probably the least depressing film about binge drinking I've ever seen. It doesn't shy away from showing the dark side of both the effects and underlying reasons, but it's also quite joyous, human and hopeful, plus it's just a really fun movie.

5/5 - Letterboxd

5. Miller's Crossing

I really need to watch more of the Coen Brothers. Fargo is one of my favourites, Marge Gunderson may be my second favourite detective, The Big Lebowski is such a comfort movie, Raising Arizona didn't really do it for, and Barton Fink is wild.

You know how you can tell a book isn't that good when all the praise on the back is about the author rather than the book itself? That's not exactly what's going on here, I did like it, I just don't really know what to say.

It's a noir film, the Coen Brothers are very good at those, all the characters are very good, and all very smart which does make it interesting to see how it all will get resolved, and Gabriel Byrne does an excellent job as the main character.

I just don't know if I liked this movie as much as a I appreciated it.

I think I'm going to watch this one again some time, I suspect I might like it more.

3.5/5 - Letterboxd

6. Peter's Friends

this review may contain spoilers

As far as an 'old friends get back together for a weekend' film goes it was fine, nothing too remarkable, hilarious or moving, but it was enjoyable enough.

I think I enjoyed the film more as an historic artefact that as an actual movie.

The reveal of Peter near the end that he has AIDS was interesting in that it very much marked it of its time. Not sure how it would've come across at that time itself, though. Would it have felt tacked on? Poignant?

3/5 - Letterboxd

7. Devil

I don't know if I can explain why I like this movie so much.

It features a group of characters trapped in elevator with a supernatural terror, but is as much about the people than the terror. If you know the elevator pitch for this, pun intended and I will not apologise for it, you probably know what it's going to do.

Does it explore the character dynamics as well as something like The Mist? Probably not. Does it approach its theme of forgiveness with enough depth? Probably not. But I still really like this movie.

It does everything it needs to do for this kind of story and it does it adequately, I don't think it will stick with you any more than hearing the basic premise would, but it did stick with me.

The acting and the atmosphere is pretty spot on though, in those aspects I think it more than exceeds the appointment.

It may at times feel more like an episode of a modern horror take on the Twilight Zone, but it's certainly one of the better episodes.

3.5/5 - Letterboxd

8. A Man Called Otto

I suppose Grumpy Old Man Set in His Ways Learns to Care Again is a whole genre on its own that has been done to death and I suppose this film is just a sappy, feel-good TV movie in a lot of ways. And yet, there's something about it.

Maybe it's Tom Hanks, maybe this movie has perfected the formula, maybe it's maybelline, maybe it's the fact that it has subtly updated the tropes to fit a bit better in the modern era.

I couldn't tell you why this movie is better than it should be, but it is. It's Very Good.

4.5/5 - Letterboxd

9. Old

This seems to be another entry in the M. Night makes a Twilight Zone series. I guess that's a comparison you can make for most of his movies, so I'm not sure why Devil and Old feel the most like this too me. Perhaps it's the scale.

People seem to like this one more than Devil, though, I would say it's a more unique premise, but I'd say there pretty even otherwise.

I do think more work was put into developing the characters and giving the movie the breathing room to explore the themes more, but it didn't connect with me that much. I can see why other people would love it, though.

3.5/5 - Letterboxd

10. Big Lebowski

It is impossible to decide whether this or Fargo is my favourite Coen Brothers movie. This one is my biggest comfort watch, though.

I probably quote more lines from Big Lebowski, but I talk more often to myself in the Fargo accent. So it's a wash.

It's not a unique thought to say that this movie is like a hard-boiled detective story staring the least hard-boiled detective around, but that really came across on my last viewing.

The entire sequence of the Dude in Malibu, doing the pencil trick on a notepad, getting knocked out, being hassled by the local police who give off more than a whiff of corruption could've been ripped straight out of a Raymond Chandler novel.

Philippe Marlowe is constantly getting in trouble with local law enforcement in small towns near LA for being too nosey. He never had his rug stolen though.

That rug really tied the room together.

5/5 - Letterboxd

11. My Dinner With Andre

Like an old friend you haven't seen in a long time, every once in a while you have to sit down with this movie and let it talk to you for a bit.

It's just two friends having a conversation, it doesn't get more basic than that in cinema, just shot reverse shot, and yet it just pulls you in and captures your attention the whole way through.

I didn't mean to watch this movie again, I just put it on, because I was trying to remember something from Wallace opening monologue and before I knew it the movie was over.

5/5 - Letterboxd

12. Doctor Who: The Movie

This movie gets more charming every time I watch it.

I can understand why maybe some people didn't like it at the time, but with hindsight, and with the series fully regenerated, it is a lovely, somewhat cheesy and goofy, gem of a movie full of charm.

An excellent Doctor, an excellent Master and excellent companions who deserve all the love from fans of the series. And guns, questionable health care, shots of Frankenstein on tv to make it clear he's being resurrected, to make it relatable to the Americans.

Brian is the worst.

5/5 - Letterboxd

One day the Man and the Woman were sitting at the edge of the World with their backs to the Darkness. It was the Woman who heard the Voice first. A lot has been said about what the voice said, stories of temptation and betrayal, but those who know the Truth know that it was one simple word: Help.

"There is someone in the Darkness," the Woman said, but the Man knew this could not be. There was nothing outside of the World. He had not been told this, there was no one to tell him, but he knew.

"Help," the Voice said again and now the Man knew that he did not know anything.

"We must find this Voice," the Woman said, "Find where it is coming from."

The man looked into the Darkness and saw nothing, there was only pitch black. "We can't go into the Darkness there is no way to see where we are going," the Man said this, but he did not know if this was really True.

"The Fire can lead the Way, the Fire of the Tree could light our path," the Woman suggested.

The Man thought about this for a long time. He did not know if this was True, he had always known things, or so he thought, but he no longer did. It might be or it might not, he thought, there is only one way to find out.

"I will take one of the Fiery Branches of the Tree and bring it into the Darkness so we can see what lies beyond and find this Voice," the Man said and he turned away from the Woman and towards the Tree.

It was a long journey, but the Man could not know how long for there was no Sun to count the days by and in those days the World never slept. When he made it to the Tree and looked back on his path he could no longer see the Woman or the Darkness beyond, they were too far away.

"Do not take one of my Branches," the Tree spoke, "The whole World is yours, you can take anything there is in the World, but my Branches are my own."

The Man trembled. He had never heard the Tree speak before, but it had done so once. Before there was a Man and before there was a World the Tree had spoken.

"I need a Branch of Fire to light the way through the Darkness," the Man pleaded.

"Everything there is, everything you need, is in the World. There is nothing in the Darkness for you," the Tree said with pain in its voice.

"There was a Voice. A Voice that called for help," the Man said.

"I can not Light the World withouth my Branches," the Tree said, "My Fire illuminates the whole World, without it you can not see the World only Darkness."

The Man remembered the pitch black of the Darkness and shuddered at the idea of the whole World being nothing but that Darkness, but then he remembered the Voice, the Voice had come from the Darkness and it had called for help.

"I need the Fire," the Man spoke and the Tree did not protest. It did not say anything more.

The Man climbed the Tree and stole one of its Fiery Branches. When he climbed back down the Tree and looked up at it he could see the Fire in the Tree start to dim, but the one Branch he held shone just as brightly as it had ever done.

He stood there studying the Tree and watching it grow ever more dim and he saw the World around him become more and more like the pitch black he had seen in the Darkness before and he knew he had done a terrible thing. He did not know it how he had known things before, he knew it because he saw it.

The Man turned around and holding the Fiery Branch he made his Way back from where he had come, back towards the Woman and the Voice.

When he arrived back at the Woman she was trembling from the cold and from fear. She shook and cried and he held out the Fire to warm her and when that was not enough the held each other and warmed themselves.

"Where is the Light?" The Woman asked.

"There is no more Light," the Man answered, "When I took the Fiery Branch the Light went out. The only Light there is now is the one from the Fire I am holding."

"Will the Light ever come back?" The Woman asked.

"I don't know," said the Man.

The Man and the Woman held each other's hand tightly and the Man gripped onto the Branch of Fire ever tighter and together they walked into the Darkness looking for the Voice they had heard what now seemed so long ago.

"I'm here," the Voice said when they were close.

The Man pointed the Fire at the Voice and he and the Woman looked at it. It looked like them and it did not.

The Man looked from the Voice to the Woman and back again.

"I don't know what we do now," the Man said.

The Voice pointed at the Man's Fire and said: "You have to lead to the Way now, you are the one with the Fire. This is the Light now."

And so the Man and the Woman and the Voice travelled through the Darkness with the Fire lighting their Way. Along the way they lit many more Fires and slowly, very slowly, they pushed back the Darkness and the Cold.

When they Died their Children picked up the Fire and led the Way and after them their Children's Children.

So it went on until the whole World was lit once again by the Fire.

The Bureau for Religious Sacrifice was known for being the slowest in the whole Department. This was mostly due to the habit of sacrificing their best workers to a variety of gods in the hope of acquiring their favour so they would bless them by speeding up the process. This had proven to be counterproductive.

"Religion?" The woman behind the counter asked.

"What?"

"What religion are you, exactly?"

"Avanoga. We're a cult, actually. Level-1 licensed."

"Hmm, I don't see you on the list. Did you register beforehand?"

"No, we're still working out the specifics of our practices."

"Did you get the flyer?"

"The flyer?"

"The flyer."

"Which flyer?"

"The one about starting a cult."

"Ooh, I don't think so."

"Hrmm. I'll get you one. So, what will it be? Human or animal."

"Human, please."

"Alright, male or female?"

"Female. A virgin."

"We're all out of virgins. This is a busy time of year, y'know. You really should think about registering early next time."

"Erm. How about just a young girl, then?"

"Any prefered ethnicity?"

"It doesn't really matter, they just have to be heathens."

"Wow, wow, wow," the woman looked up at him for the first time and shot him an angry look, "you're not planning on commiting a hate crime, are you?"

"What? No, I--"

"Killing people based on their religion is a hate crime now. You do know that don't you?"

"It just can't be someone from the cult. I--it has to be someone else."

"Very well. What's the purpose of this sacrifice?"

"Just to appease the gods."

"How often would you need to appease the gods?"

"For every 200 people once every winter and summer."

"How many are there in your cult right now?"

"Five."

"How many men and women?"

"All men."

"You do realise you have to have at least a 40/60 gender divide once you exceed ten members, right? Except of course if you get a special permit."

"No, I didn't know."

"It's all in the flyer."

"What flyer?"

"The one about starting a cult."

"I didn't get the flyer."

"Ooh, right. I'll get you a flyer."

Chains clattered as they were dragged across the ground by the ghostly and ghastly creature. The gates of hell gave a rusty sigh as they slammed close again.

The girl froze in place. The sight of the ungodly creatures burned its way through her eyes. Unable to process what was happening her brain literally melted. The creature's dark tongue eagerly lapped it up as it came oozing out of her eye sockets.

Her body flopped to the ground. The boy's legs gave out in fear. He backed himself into the headstone and gave up, whatever would happen would happen.

Pure darkness crawled its way over the girl's body towards him. The living shadow enveloped him and the rattling sound of the demon breathing echoed in his head. A black hole hovered over him, the creature's mouth breathed in one last time ready to suck the life out of him. All seemed lost.

From the church next to the graveyard the sound of bells rang droning out the sound of the rattling breath.

A sword of pure light cut through the living shadow sending the head of the dark creature rolling across the ground.

Through the fading darkness a ghostly winged created shone brightly like the sun breaking its way through the clouds.

He never made it far enough to have a chance for that dream to come through. He could blame everyone and everything. He didn’t have the time to train properly, he didn’t have the means, no coach ever took him seriously. Maybe he was right, but deep down he always feared the real reason was himself. He didn’t think he was good enough, or if he was good enough he didn’t think he had the drive, even if he had the drive he feared he would never be able to focus his drive and his strength.

Now he had gotten his chance. Out of the blue the champion had offered him a real shot at the title. He didn’t know why, it didn’t make any sense, but he had taken the shot.

All the other reasons holding him back were no longer there. He had gotten an advance on the fight allowing him to take time off from his job and focus on training. The Coach had offered to train him.

All that could hold him back now was himself and his opponent known as The Beast.

The first round started with The Kid standing there like a deer in headlights and The Beast like a car in the night plowing him down, landing every hit with ease.

“What are you doing!?” The Coach yelled from the corner of the ring, causing The Kid to snap out of it. Unfortunately even after that he could do no better than wildly swinging into thin air.

Ding.

The Kid headed back to his corner shaking his head.

“Don’t just shake your head, keep your fists up, look for openings. Why am I telling you this, is this your first fight?” The Coach berated him.

The Kid shook his head again.

“I said is this your first fight?”

“No, Coach.”

“Then stop doing whatever that was and start acting like you do in any other fight.”

The Beast started dancing around, lowering his arms by his sides, mocking The Kid, daring him to try and hit him. The Kid took a shot and The Beast dodged it, it was a narrow miss.

“Ok, so you’ve got something in you after all,” The Beast said.

After that The Beast raised his fist back up, but he was still playing around with The Kid, not taking him too seriously; this wasn’t going to be too big of a big challenge to him.

The Kid didn’t see it that way and went all in on him, landing a couple of decent body blows. As The Beast was defending his side he saw an opening and hit him square on the jaw.

The Beast stumbled back, the crowd went silent as it looked like he was about to go down for the first time in his career. He almost did, but managed to catch himself just in time.

Shaking it off something in his demeanor changed. He was ready to punish The Kid for what he did and The Kid was ready to show him what he was really capable of.

Ding.

“That’s the spirit, Kid, keep at it, but watch out, he’s getting angry,” The Coach said.

The Beast struck back with a vengeance raining terror down upon him, punishing him for thinking he ever had a chance. Eventually The Kid couldn’t take it anymore and he went down.

1, 2, . . .

Everyone knew it was all over.

3, 4, . . .

Or not, The Kid made it back up, he didn’t miss a second and went right back up to him. Left, right, left, punch, punch, jab, punch, jab, jab punch.

Ding.

Neither of them were ready to stop and the referee had to pull them apart.

“You’re no beast!”

After that the two fighters were going at it on equal footing, this was a real fight now, not just a champion playing with a nobody.

The Kid landed a strong hit in The Beast’s side, making him wince in pain. The Beast started keeping his arms low to protect his side, allowing The Kid to get some good punches in.

But The Beast wasn’t ready to give up either, hitting him back with strong left hook making The Kid’s knees wobble and almost sending him to the floor a second time.

Disoriented and tired The Kid could do nothing else then block with his face. The Beast kept at him until an uppercut finally knocked The Kid down again.

It took him nine counts before he managed to drag himself up again using the ropes, but he wasn’t out, not yet.

The Beast shook his head in disbelief. This fight wasn’t over yet.

Ding.

This round was for The Kid, The Beast compromising his defense by protecting his side too much, until one fatal blow send the champion to the ground.

The crowd gasped and the commentators couldn’t believe their eyes. For the first time in his career the champion was knocked down.

The Beast got up on the five count, but everyone realized The Kid might actually have a shot at winning this.

Ding.

“Coach, did you see that?” The Kid asked.

“See what? See you almost knocking out the champion? You bet I did.”

“No, no, there’s something weird about his blood. When I hit him I think he got cut, but it wasn’t red, it was almost green.”

“I don’t care if he bleeds green, yellow or blue, just knock him out already!”

The Kid ran up to The Beast full of confidence and started pounding away, he hit him a couple of times, good hits, but something felt weird, it didn’t feel like hitting a human body, it felt grainier. He’s wasn’t hitting flesh, he was hitting something else.

He backed up until he was at the ropes and saw The Beast slowly transforming from a boxing champion into a real Beast.

Eight tentacles sprouted where his legs used to be, still dancing around the ring like a true boxer. His stomach burst open to reveal one big flaming eye in the center of its body. The flames reached out to The Kid, singing the hairs on his arms as he rose them up in defense.

Its head fell off to reveal nothing but a big gaping mouth with long spear-like teeth arranged in a circle around it.

The tentacles stretched out towards the crowd and the judges grabbing a judge and three audience members, The Beast shoved them down his mouth, which started contracting around their bodies piercing them with its spear-like teeth.

The Beast turned back towards The Kid who was unfazed and ready to continue. It was about to lunge forwards when—

Ding.

The Beast noticed the sound of the bell and whether conscious or driven by instinct it made its way back to its corner.

“Any ideas, Coach?” The Kid asked.

“Uhm. What?”

He wouldn’t let a little thing like his opponent turning into an grotesque Eldritch abomination make him lose his footing. That’s not what he had trained for.

The Beast flailed its tentacles around and started spraying burning acid from its gaping mouth towards him.

The Kid dodged the acid and blocked the tentacles swinging towards him. He tried to get in closer to land a punch, but there was no opening to be found, six tentacles he might have been able to make it through, but eight was too much.

Ding.

“Alright Kid, change of tactic. You’re opponent has turned into a hideous beast ready to feast on your flesh so you gotta keep some distance. Go for longer, weaker punches, keep him at bay, wear him out and only get closer when he hasn’t got the energy to fight back,” The Coach told him having regained his composure.

The Kid kept his distance striking back at the tentacles as they flung towards him, one of the suction cups stuck to his glove and he was unable to get it off. He started beating on it violently.

The Beast send a piercing scream through the auditorium while it retracted its tentacles and curled up in pain. The Kid went in on it and made his way through the tentacles and towards the flaming eye.

He started punching with all his might into the burning eye, his gloves melting and fusing with his skin, but he didn’t care. The Beast wept.

Ding.

“Finish this thing now,” The Coach said, “We have no idea what it’s capable of, so keep at it until it’s down and do it fast.

In complete defense mode The Beast wrapped its tentacles around itself and sendt a rapid fire of acid flying towards The Kid. He got hit in the face several times, his face peeling off on contact.

Emboldened The Beast unwrapped one of its tentacles from around itself and started hitting The Kid with it again. Then a second, then a third, then a fourth. He was being knocked around unable to defend himself and he clawed at his own face with the gloves trying to get the acid off.

Right before the bell rang acid hit him in the eye and it melted it inside its socket. The acid burning in his skull.

Ding.

“Coach, my eye, it’s burning, you gotta scoop it out,” The Kid said.

“I’m not scooping it out your eye,” The Coach said pulling back his eyelid, “It’s still half there, maybe we can fix it later.”

Unable to think straight due to the burning acid in his eye socket The Kid could do nothing but keep his fists up the whole round blocking as best as he could, but still being knocked around like a boxing bag.

Finally after 3 minutes of The Beast wiping the floor with a Kid in agony the bell rings to put an end to it.

Ding.

“You gotta scoop my eye out, Coach, it’s boiling inside my skull, I can’t focus, I can’t fight with my skull burning, please Coach,” The Kid pleaded.

“Alright, alright, I’ll do it,” he answered grabbing a spoon from his cutman kit.

A flurry of hits and tentacle whips was exchanged throughout the round. The Kid, The Beast, The Kid, The Beast, in equal measures they beat up on each other furiously. Not a single second went by without either of them getting a hit in. This kept going right up to the bell ringing.

Ding.

“Just one more round to go, Kid,” The Coach said while dabbing his face with a towel to get rid of the remaining puss dripping from his eye socket.

“I don’t know if I’m gonna make it, he’s too tough, I’ve never seen anything like him,” The Kid said breathing heavy.

“Nonsense! I think you’ve actually got a chance to win this, Kid. It’s never seen anything like you either, that’s why it’s like this, you’ve done something no one has ever done before, you knocked it out, you drove it over the edge. Its shown it has true face, because its desperate, but its not enough, Kid, you’ve got fists of steel, now go use them to crush this Beast!”

The two creatures, The Kid with his face beaten and scarred by the acid now seeming almost like a monster himself, were stumbling around the ring circling each other both unwilling to make the first move.

“Come on,” The Beast gestured towards himself with two of its tentacles.

“If you want me I’m right here,” The Kid replied.

They kept circling around like old men, until The Kid lunged forwards and started punching The Beast in the mouth breaking his spear-like teeth, the broken shards fell down The Beast’s open mouth cutting its insides open.

The Beast pushed him back with its tentacles, The Kid waved them aside and went back in on it. The Beast wrapped its tentacles around him as The Kid kept pounding at the creatures body, eye and mouth.

Ding.

The bell rang just as The Beast shot one of its tentacle inside The Kid’s mouth. A hundred eggs squirted out of the suckers into his body.

The Beast had found a worthy host.

Ding.

The Beast’s children moved through The Kid’s body eating him from the inside. His organs melting away as they vomited corrosive acid on them to soften him up.

Ding.

They started feeding themselves on him ripping him apart from the inside. It didn’t matter. He had done it. He had gone the distance. He had proven himself.

Ding. Ding. Ding.

"You have to be kidding? There's no way you got a table at Leben? There--- there's a waiting list of several months. How did you do it?" He asked excitedly.

"I got us on the waiting list. There's not much to it really, you just have to wait a bit," she answered.

"We're splitting the bill," he immediately said.

"We're not splitting the bill, it's your birthday!"

"Yeah, but I know how much it costs, I'm not letting you--"

"Yes, you are. You're my big brother and I owe you a lot. You've always managed to get us out of the woods safe and it's about time I payed you back. I know you've wanted to eat here for ages, so we're going in now and I'm paying or else I'm taking you to McDonald's instead, you hear me?"

"Alright, alright. Fine. But you've done plenty to pay me back already," he said drawing her in for a hug.

"Ooh, my god," he suddenly said dropping the lamb chop back on his plate.

"What?"

"There he is."

"Who? Where?"

"Serge. There."

"Who's Serge? And where's there?"

"He's the head chef. That guy over there," he pointed at the tousled hair, stubbly bearded rock star chef who noticed it and looked over at them with an odd smile.

"He's kind of hot," the sister said.

"He's the hottest chef at the moment."

She nearly spat out her drink all over him and had to wipe away the exorbitantly priced wine which was now dribbling from her chin.

"You think he's hot, huh?" She asked with a smirk.

"Yeah, the whole culinary world is talking about him. You know he used to travel the world working in the kitchen of a new multi-Michelin star restaurant every place he would go to. Then, a couple of years ago, they say he just disappeared into the jungle and—"

"Which jungle?" She interrupted her brother.

"I don't know, they always just say 'the jungle'. Anyway, he disappeared into some unnamed jungle only to show up again here a few months ago, start his own restaurant and get his a star only the second week it was open. The second week! Who knows where he's heading next." He concluded.

"Shh. Play it cool. Don't let him know you think he's hot too soon." She smiled.

"...I always looked up to you, because in a way I could relate, like how you were alone at a young age and..." he trailed off.

"You're an orphan too?" the Chef asked.

"Not exactly, but our parents sort of forced us to fend for ourselves when we were 15 and 14, they just couldn't handle or afford looking after us," he answered exchanging a sad look.

"That sucks."

"Yeah. It was terrible. Our---our dad contacted us again recently," his sister kicked him under the table, "Hey!"

"Don't tell him about our parents," she snarled at him, "I'm sorry, I don't really like talking to strangers about this," she said turning to the Chef.

"That’s fine, I totally understand. Why don’t you two talk it over over another bottle of wine on me and you..." the chef was interrupted by the sound of stomach growling loudly. "Excuse me. I haven't eaten all day."

"No food in the house, huh. Yeah, I have that problem all the time too," she joked.

"Listen, I'm going back in the kitchen, why don't you stick around after you've finished your meal, we're closing in about an hour, how about I show you around after?"

"Really? That would be—"

"—great! I'll see you in a bit."

"This is my masterpiece," the Chef said, "the biggest functional oven in any restaurant in the world."

They both looked around the room.

"I don’t see an oven anywhere," the sister said.

"You’re standing in it," the Chef smiled.

"Wait, this whole room is an oven?" The brother asked.

"Yep. I can hang six or seven whole cows in here roast them all day long until the meat is sliding of the bone, like sliding off their whole skeleton, and serve it straight away to the whole restaurant."

"That's--- that's something," the sister said.

"There's something else too, one final thing," the chef said smiling oddly.

"I thought this was your masterpiece?" the sister asked.

"Ooh, this is my professional masterpiece, but this next thing is more, well, let's call it a hobby of mine," he said leading them out of the oven to a bolted down door across from it.

Clank.

"Follow me."

They stepped in a small room containing a metal table covered with dark wine red stains on one side and a cage on the other. On the wall there were hanging various knives, axes and saws covered in the same dark stains.

"Get in the cage," the chef said pulling out a gun from underneath his apron.

"What?" the brother chuckled unsure of what the point of this joke was.

"I said get in the cage," he said firmly, with the same odd smile as before.

"Get behind me Gretel," Hansel said to his sister.

The chef pointed his gun at her and started cackling. "Stop! Your brother is getting in that cage now or I'm going to blow your juicy little brain out. Ahahaha!"

Hansel was locked in the cage while the chef was desperately shoveling caviar through the bars trying to get him to gorge himself.

"Just eat it! What do you want? What do you like? Please, it's a delicacy."

Hansel stared at him completely baffled. The chef threw down the shovel in frustration and stormed off. He returned with a piping back, filled it with caviar, grabbed Hansel's hair through the bars of the cage and forced the food down his throat. Hansel struggled until he almost choked and had no choice but to swallow it down.

"If you don't want to eat I can make you. Ahahaha!" the chef laughed.

Then he turned towards the sister tied down sideways on the blood stained table.

"What are you going to do her!? Leave her alone!" Hansel yelled.

The chef ignored him and cackled quietly to himself. Gretel's eyes widened in horror as he took a knife from the wall.

"I am going to feed you to him to fatten him up, get some of that marbling going on to make him taste even better, but not all of you. No, I'm going to save some of the choicest bits for myself. I can't let a rump like this go to waste," he said as he slapped her butt.

"Why? Why are you doing this? Just let us go." Gretel begged.

"Hahaha. It's not that I want to eat you, sweet girl, I just have no choice.

"You can't understand unless you've tasted the succulent meat of a slowly cooked human, there's nothing like it, trust me I've tried. I tried to find something to replace it, something to satisfy the craving.

"I've tried every meat every way. Cow, pig, chicken, sheep, lamb, buffalo, tiger, elephant, panda, gorilla, northern white rhino, I've had them ressurect a dodo for crying out loud.

"Roasting, broiling, grilling, braising, searing, frying, deep frying, pan frying, stir frying, simmering, smothering, steaming, steeping, stewing, smoking, rotisserie, sous-vide, barbecue, you name it.

"Nothing is so sweet, so savory, so juicy, so addicting, you can taste the fear, the anger, the love, the lust, the agony, the hope, you can taste their life.

"Have you ever tasted life? It's true what they say, you do become more when you eat another human, you gain their strength and their wisdom."

As he was about to slit Gretel's throat when the chef's stomach growled louder than any stomach had ever growled before.

"So. Hungry," he said clutching his stomach in pain. "I need to feed soon."

He pulled the knife back from against her throat and cut the ropes that had tied her to the table instead.

"Let me go!" Gretel yelled struggling against the chef.

He slammed her against the over door which opened inwards slightly.

"No!" she flailed around in a wild panic and kicked the chef in the groin. He fell collapsed onto her. Both of them now leaning on the door of the room sized over she grabbed him by the shoulders and turned both of them around, him now leaning against the door in pain.

She shoving all her weight against him and send him falling into his own oven. He looked up at her in fear and she quickly slammed the door shut locking him inside.

He got up and started banging on the window.

"Let me out you fucking bitch! Don't you fucking dare, I will eat your brains while you are alive, I swear, I will bite your tits off you cunt. I will---"

"I'm sorry, what's that? You're a bit chilly in there? Let me fix that for you," she said as she turned the heat up to the maximum.

He screamed as his skin started to boil and smoke. He started pounding on the window faster and faster.

"I was just kidding, I'll do anything, just let me out, I can, I can, I can get you a table at any restaurand whenever you want. You name it and you're there."

"I'll just make reservations myself, thanks."

"I've got money! You can have it, you can have my restaurant, my house, whatever, just leat me out, just please let me out."

She turned away from the window towards her brother's case to release him as the ungodly creature cooked to perfection.

"Next time I swear I am just taking you to McDonald's," Gretel said.

"I suppose I could use a McFlurry," Hansel replied.

"I hear they have a Gingerbread one now for a limited time."

"On second thought I think I'll pass on that," he said slinging his arm around her.

He was, as her friend had put it, a hunk beyond dreams.

He had a chiseled and strong yet playful face with a smirk that could have saved the titanic, because it would melt anyone and anything.

His body was muscular and defined, but at the same time warm and inviting, with big arms that could wrap around you so tightly you would forget the whole world.

"Make sure you sneak off to his bedroom, they say he is hiding a picture there that ages instead of him. He seems not to have aged in decades. Even if he doesn't have that painting, you never know what you'll find there," her friend had said giggling.

It had taken all her courage to aproach him. As he turned and looked at her she could feel her legs starting to tremble, but it didn't matter, because he was ready to sweep her off her feet anyway.

After a tour of the luxurious mansion he had left her in his private library while going to get some wine.

It was adjacent to his bedroom and Sabrine couldn't stop herself from going in. A shiver went through her spine as she entered and she started to feel uneasy.

It had been wrong of her to to let her curiosity take her here, she was about to leave when she caught the portrait she had heard rumoured about in the corner of her eye.

Sabrina looked at the painting on the wall and saw a picture of what used to be a man.

Black, hollow eyes revealing only a chasm where a soul would have been stared back at her. Its face was contorted into a greedy, lustful smile. It had a mouth filled with rows upon rows of teeth, like a shark's, congealed blood clinging to every tooth. A split tongue licking cracked lips in a manner that may have been meant to be seductive.

The face adorned a caved-in head that sat on a grotesque scaley blob of a body. Its reptilian skin stretched and burst open to reveal a fleshy red skin underneath. The stomach was expanded to its limit and she saw a hand pressed against it from the inside.

The hand of either a desperate victim trying to claw its way out or a monstrous child waiting to be born.

Shit and blood were dripping down the creature's legs towards its cloven hooves.

Bang

Sabrina heard the door slamming shut behind her and froze in fear, unable to move she could only wait for the next sound.

The sound of the door being locked.

Click-clack